Off to Uni: A Safe-Sex and Relationships Guide.
In 2021 when I started The Respect Project with the brilliant Radley College and Downe House School, it was off the back of the Everyone’s Invited scandal, and the two schools had a brilliantly proactive response to the very real challenges facing young people trying to navigate the minefields of sex, relationships and consent with the added modern burdens of a life lived online, often toxic messages on social media and a mental health crisis that is hitting the youngest generations like a sledgehammer.
In the last three years, I’ve visited hundreds of schools, spoken to and worked with thousands of young people and The Respect Project goes national this year (more on that later.)
But as hundreds of thousands of young people go off to university, with all the excitement and anxiety that entails, there are going to be The Big Issues on their minds; coping for the first time away from home, making new friends, navigating demanding courses, taking care of mental and physical health, and what the hell they are going to cook for the next three months?
Naturally, sex and relationships are also going to be on the forefront of soon-to-be-Freshers, whether it’s first-time sex, finding love, one-nightstands, navigating sexualities, avoiding sexual encounters, worries about sexual harassment and safety and even whether they might meet The One in the next three or four years.
So, using just a little of the work and research I’ve been doing for the last four years, I’ve devised, in collaboration with thousands of young people, I nifty 10-point Safe Sex and Relationships survival guide that will keep anyone going off to university and just starting to navigate the choppy waters of sex and relationships, safer, happier and more confident in this monumental time.
1.) Consent can be sexy. Lots of young people have shown me recently they have taken their worries about consent to an extreme level and are actually recording consent vids that in truth look and feel rather like hostage videos – not the best for striking an intimate note! Building consent into the whole sexual encounter asking frequently ‘is this OK?’ ‘are you OK with this?’ doesn’t sound weird, it sounds caring. Getting consent isn’t a one and done thing, so asking gently and frequently in an encounter shows a considerate partner (and no hostage vid vibes) A great example of how consent can be sexy is the BBC megahit show, Normal People, which depicts first-time sex as both deeply sexy and consensual.
2.) Consent can only be given if you are sober enough to consent – Look, drinking and drug taking happen at university – and no one is saying sex is only allowed if you’re stone-cold sober. But having sex or a sexual encounter when you or your partner (or both!) are absolutely wasted, puts you in a very ethically and legally murky area and this is usually when real problems arise the next morning. The rule of thumb should be, if there’s any chance any of your memories will be hazy the following day, wait until you’re more sober. You’ll be safer, more legally secure and the sex will be better. Sober(ish) sex is good and safe sex!
3.) Consent is not just the boy or man’s job in heterosexual relationships. If you are in a heterosexual relationship or sexual encounter, it isn’t solely the job of the male to get consent from the girl or woman. Consent should be a mutual endeavour, where you both check in on each other on a regular basis. If you both make this your responsibility, it’s a sign you are both on a similar wavelength and happy in that encounter.
4.) Consent is not a consent to all sex acts. Sex can be a bit like food in that sometimes it’s a fast-food fix and sometimes it’s a multiple course, gastronomic buffet and like food, everyone has different likes, dislikes, needs and moods. But like food courses, if you order one thing, you aren’t ordering everything on the menu and might be a bit shocked if you ordered the spaghetti and then were expected to polish off the burger and pizza too. If you are having the kind of sex where one act might progress to another, it’s imperative you check in on your partner that they’re not just OK with it, but are enjoying it. If you get even the faintest inkling they’re not – slow down or stop.
5.) Sex is not porn. We’ve all just watched the Olympics and porn is like the Olympics of sex versus what most of us do, which is a bit of a kick-around in the park. It’s fine to be adventurous (if consented to) and it’s even better to aspire to be better at sex for your partner. But the expectation everyday sexual encounters are going to be like porn is unrealistic and can get dangerous – a lot of porn is extreme and has acts of sexual violence a lot of people won’t enjoy (tip: slapping and choking are pretty niche tastes.) Whatever the kind of sex you’re having, don’t expect it to be like porn – you want yours to be fun, intimate and sexy – the last thing most porn is, if you listen to most adult film stars.
6.) Boundaries, safe-words and contraception are non-negotiable. Everybody has their sexual rules and boundaries, words that mean ‘stop’ and the use of condoms and other forms of contraception are not things to negotiate over – they’re just the rules. Nothing is going to sour a sexual encounter (or create murkiness over consent) more than someone who pushes sexual boundaries or drags their feet over safe sex. So discuss your rules, boundaries and non-negotiables and respect them.
7.) Like the person you are about to have sex with – nobody is saying you have to marry every person you have sex with and one-night stands do happen, but as a rule of thumb, if you know and at the very least, like the person you are about to have sex with, it’s exponentially more likely, the sex will be easier and more satisfying, you’ll have had the space to talk about consent and rules and there will be far less room for angst the next day.
8.) Never ever gossip about or share intimate stories about the people you have sex with. After you’ve had sex or a sexual encounter, it’s obviously going to be exciting and there might be a temptation to share the gory details with your mates. Do. Not. Do. It. It is wildly disrespectful to share intimate stories about private sex and it’s illegal – yes illegal – to share any intimate pictures or videos without consent. And it also makes you an arsehole – because sexual gossip goes two ways. If you share private stories about the night before with people, you will rapidly get a reputation as someone as indiscrete and disrespectful, making it exponentially less likely that person or other people will want to sleep with you in the future. So be a decent person, and keep what happens in the bedroom between the two of you.
9.) Be open about expectations – again, you don’t have to marry or make a lifelong commitment to the people you sleep with, but you should be truthful about your expectations and needs. If you see your relationship and sexual encounters as something casual, be open about it. If you’re looking for something lasting and more committed, be open about it. Scoring sex under false pretences or false promises leads to hurt feelings and some of the aforementioned problems that are avoidable – so be straight with each other about sexual expectations and feelings.
10.) Is consent good enough – go for enthusiasm! Though consent is the word and term we have at the moment and it’s one we understand, consent is actually a pretty low bar. Consent is what we give for a new phone contract or someone to install a washing machine. Unless the consent is something given enthusiastically – it should never ever be extracted or coerced – don’t have sex. Sex should be fun and an exciting journey to embark on together, not something that feels forced or scary.
Sex and relationships are tricky things to navigate and you are going to make mistakes along the way, but the key components are trust, willingness, enthusiasm and always, always respecting the partner you are about to embark on something you should both enjoy.
