SibInfluence
Why the sibling relationship is the hardest, best, worst and most influential of all.
One of the questions I get asked most frequently but quite a diverse set of people – CEO’s, political leaders, brands, and just interested parties – is who influences young people most?
In this modern age, one of the most anticipated answers is: celebrities. The concept of ‘celebrity’ has completely transformed over the last couple of decades, from some remote ubermensch of a person who appears in glossy Hollywood films or sells three zillion records and seemed almost another species to us normal folk, to anyone with an iPhone and a knack for wrangling large online followings. The fact that becoming a celebrity has become so achievable, has both heightened and toxified our relationship with the celebrity world, because we – and young people in particular – through intense social media tribes and the sheer willingness (or demand) for our chosen celebrities to share so much of themselves, makes them seem like almost a proxy friend. But despite this intense and unprecedented relationship young people have with ‘celebrities’ they are not the most influential people on young people.
The second guess is often parents – and though a good one, still no cigar. Gen Z and Gen A have a uniquely close relationships with their parents and carers, and though in the last two decades the child/parent relationship has completely transformed from one you couldn’t wait to create some distance from to one that is (more often than not) extremely and willingly very close – parents are not the biggest influence on modern young people.
The third guess – which is by far the warmest – though not still quite right, is friends. Generation Z and Generation A are very influenced by their friends, and if you want to find clues about an individual, whether their fashion, music, film, book, beauty, politics or ethics – a great place to start is their friends.
And yet. As important as friends are to people – even if they are friends from a very young age – they don’t leave that primordial imprint on us. They don’t influence in a fundamental way how we see our place in the world – whether we are leaders, followers, introverts, extroverts – and what paths we take in life. I would argue that the biggest influence – and one that is so often overlooked – is our siblings, and this is true even if you are only-child, because the absence of brothers and sisters also impacts every part of who you are (there’s a reason only children are often highly successful individuals.)
One might argue that yes, but brothers and sisters have always been important as far back as human history goes, but over the last couple of decades, the sibling relationship (and indeed absence of one for only-children) has intensified because young people are staying at home more, leaving home much later than any previous generation, blurring the social and generational lines more than they used to – siblings hang out with each other and share friends far more than they did just a generation ago – and are so much dependent, loving, angry, resentful, motivated and influenced by siblings than ever before.
I initially became interested in whether the sibling relationship was changing in the modern era for modern teenagers a couple of years back when researching an episode of my podcast series. I put the research net out and started doing interviews – and discovered something that both surprised and intrigued me. More than anything I’ve asked teens about, and I include in this other highly controversial and emotive subjects like sex, beauty, porn, bullying, parents, money, school, and social media, was the sheer weight of the answers and stories that came back – and the burning need to unburden about their siblings. Added to that, was a very stark sense that even when the sibling relationship was good or great, the knowledge of the lifetime sibling sentence, and the fact they would carry it forever and feel it forever was apparent to even the most resilient or indifferent teenagers.
Priti (15): I’m a middle child and it sucks. I have to do everything in my power to fight against the ‘middle-child syndrome’ but it’s way harder than I ever thought. My younger sister is treated like glass and my older sister is treated like she walks on water and has all the secrets of the universe, just because she was first. There are honestly days when I can’t breathe and it’s not even really my parents, but it’s my parents and how they relate to us as a sister unit. I’ve actually started looking at ways to get a scholarship to boarding school, because I so badly need to be just me, you know? Not one of three.
Asha, (17): I hate my sister. I love her, but I hate her, you know? Do I hate her more than I love her? It depends on the day. I think the big problem is, she’s so, so pretty and everyone tells me how pretty she is, all the time. Like, it’s a big failing of mine, because I’m not as pretty as she is. Today I hate her.
Finn (18): I’m struggling right now, because I have a younger brother and sister and I’m expected to be a like a wise older brother, and I just feel worried for them all the time. My brother especially is just disappearing into this online world and has become a complete dick recently, and I just want to shake him and tell him to sort himself out, but that doesn’t seem to do any good. My parents are so freaked out, it’s like they want me to almost do the parenting – they only like the fun stuff and what to just be fun parents.
Claus (16): I like my brothers, but it’s getting really claustrophobic. I’m doing GCSE’s, my older brother is doing his A-Levels and the oldest one is at uni, but he’s home all the time because he can’t afford to live away. I think our parents are worried because I think they had visions of us moving out, and how are we going to do that? Over Christmas, it was definitely obvious how much of a pressure cooker it has the potential to become. Plus, my older brothers are really competitive. The middle one is much cleverer and has the potential to do much better than my older brother, who in all honesty is a bit lost at the moment, and that is definitely getting more tense the past few months because they really wind each other up.
Sibling competitiveness, resentment and rivalry has been thrown into sharp focus this week, with the release of Prince Harry’s now ubiquitous memoir ‘Spare’ and without wading too much into either content or reactions to the book, the part that seems to have shocked people most is the depth of Harry’s fury and resentment at his older brother, William.
Having seen how deeply people feel their sibling relationships, I find it more surprising that people are that shocked by Harry’s fraternal resentment because sibling rivalry is as much part of human nature as sexual desire, fondness for power and the need for human relationships. It’s not the nicest or most gratifying part of human nature, but it’s something the vast majority of us will have grappled with, so why shouldn’t it affect Prince Harry so profoundly?
Annie (19): I don’t have any brothers and sisters and though I’ve never felt lonely – I’m really close to my parents, have cousins and lots of friends – it’s definitely been a thing not to have anything to compare myself to or measure myself by. I set the standard, so it’s me and it often feels like you’re flying solo. I sometimes would like someone to compete with, as though I’m pretty driven, I feel like this would have given me more of an edge. And having a sister or brother might have been fun, though my friends often hate their brother or sister!
Tom (19): I’ve definitely had moments when I’ve intensely disliked my twin brother, but he also feels like an essential measure in so many ways. I think the secret of our relationship is being quite different. I want to work for a non-profit and help the world, he’s all about the money. I don’t think we’d get on as well if we had the same aspirations.
Olivia (18): Me and my brother used to fight like cat and dog, and even though we’re only a year apart and share some of the same friends, it was definitely tense at times. Weirdly, the thing that bought us closer was when he came out as gay. Mum and Dad were fine with it, but it suddenly – and this sounds really weird – seemed like we were on the same side. I’m actually missing him a lot – he joined the Navy this year and has left now for training.
Tom and Olivia’s sibling relationships seem to have reached an equanimity because they have achieved two crucial things modern kids often struggle to in the sibling dynamic: difference and space.
When one sibling shines in an area it often creates enormous pressure and competition for another sibling to replicate that same success – just look at two of the most influential celebrity families followed by billions of young people: the Kardashians and the Paul brothers (look up Logan Paul and Jake Paul if you are unfamiliar and prepared to fall down that rabbit hole!)
Their entire brand has been forged in the fire of sibling rivalry, and by any measure, it looks unhealthy. There is endless competition to who can be the most famous, thin (which has now replaced having the biggest bum), beautiful, preened and plucked in the case of the Kardashians and most obnoxious, jacked, followed and famous in the case of the Paul Brothers. And on a less famous scale, this is often replicated in millions of families – even if it’s unconscious. If there is a strong inclination towards acting, finance, art, construction, tech, or beauty, you often see more than one sibling chasing the same dream and profession, sometimes modelling themselves after the parents. This isn’t surprising as talents for things often run in families, but the this makes it exponentially more likely to breed sibling rivalry, and also there is a strong likelihood -because that’s the way the law of averages work – that one sibling is going to be better at something than an another. Which isn’t to say siblings can’t chase the same dreams and compete over the same or similar things – but it is a recipe for a lot more sibling tension.
The other factor that is much harder to achieve in economically pressed time is space. Just two or three decades ago, young people packed their case or rusty car and left for university/a job/another town and would usually rent somewhere affordable and graduate to buying a place when they got a job and/or long-term partner. This meant siblings scattered much earlier, in pursuit of different things, and due to the technology not being invented yet, might have no idea what their brother or sister was up to daily. Now, unless your parents are wealthy or you are lucky enough to score a very well-paid job very young, you are forced to not only grow up with your siblings but now be grownups with your siblings. And that is a very different prospect, because as we get older, we become less flexible, less tolerant, less able to share a bathroom. Lots of siblings get on great, but not having an end point, and point when you know you can leave and make your own way of life is going to make millions of young people, even the ones sympathetic to Prince Harry, go ‘come on dude, do you know how lucky you are?’ because though he could never really achieve difference (until much later life), he at least got space.
Top Tips to Make SibInfluence Work!
Young People
Try to remember you are as much an individual as part of a unit and you need to figure what you like and what you are good at, and not just to compete with your siblings.
If you do end up doing something similar to your siblings, as far as it’s possible, try to share skills rather than compete. Two or three is better than one!
Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and ANYONE who tells you, you are not as good-looking OR better-looking than your sibling is frankly a bit of a weirdo and is best ignored.
It’s fine to share friends - loads of siblings do - but also have your own individual friends and hobbies. That ‘space’ thing makes the sibling relationship much better and easier.
I hear from so many young people that their parents love their siblings more than them. We all need to have an honest conversation about how loving someone differently isn’t the same as loving them better/more. Your parents are quite likely to love you differently because you are a different person to your sibling - and that’s OK.
Unless something goes quite wrong, there will come a time when you like your sibling, want to hang out with them and share memories – if that seems far away, hang in there!
Parents/Carers.
I’ll keep this one simple – don’t compare, don’t compare, don’t compare. It’s not fair.
And try to love equally, even if it’s different.
Brands:
The sibling relationship is powerful, beautiful and VERY influential (the power of the Kardashians might have given some indication of that!) And yet, we rarely see the sibling stories, sibling sharing and sibling influence depicted in marketing. Siblings are often where we first learn about everything from beauty to fashion, dating to politics, cars to computers - you might want to get on that!
#SibInfluence #SiblingRivalry #Brothers #Sisters #PrinceHarry #PrnceWilliam #Spare #Kardashians #LoganPaul #JakePaul #Parenting #Marketing #Branding #Futurist